Question: Am I depriving my kids by not taking them to the zoo?

I'm just wondering.

I don’t like the idea of animals in captivity. (I hate circuses too. I mean, I don't even want to get into THAT right now.) I don't want to go and watch a bunch of innocent animals pee, poop, wank and sleep. It's just none of my business, you know? It seems so nosy and rude.

Sure, I’m told the new, PC zoos have little climate-controlled habitats for their animals, but I’m not sold.

And sure, I can understand wanting to prevent the extinction of a species. If you want to preserve a habitat that no longer exists so that an animal species can continue to be, that’s fabulous. Go for it.

I just don’t want to see it.

Alert readers will recall that I spewed my vitriol on museums earlier this year, but in fact, my position has softened. I’ve reserved what’s left of my venom for car nutsacks (see yesterday's post) and zoos.

I don’t want to go to the zoo. I don’t want a zoo membership. I don’t want to meet anyone at the zoo. I don't want to talk about the zoo. (Well okay, maybe a little.)

Am I harming my kids by not taking them to see animals-formerly-known-as-wild?

One person who tried to reason with me on this said that for the kids, it was their only chance to see certain animals in the flesh, since of course we can’t all go summering on the veldt every year to watch the rhinos.

True, but how necessary is that for a rich inner life? Wouldn't animal quality time be better spent at a shelter, or helping injured animals rehabilitate? That seems like a cool thing to do.

Because I’m not anti-animal. In fact, I’d argue that I’m more pro-animal than the people who pay money to knock on the glass of the chimps isolette/incubator and say, “Dude, look at that, he’s sleeping. Look, I’m gonna wakim up! Tap tap tap!”

I HATE seeing people trying to get animals’ attention. It’s pathetic. Imagine if animals spent all day saying, “Hey, hey you, look at me, hey you, hey, I’m talkin’ to you!” On second thought, never mind.

If I were an animal stuck in a zoo, I’d want to break out and shove the Doritos of that annoying kid who keeps throwing pebbles at me right up his ass.

So no zoos. But I am officially mellowing out on my position on museums: they’re okay as long as you get to have a snack partway through.

That’s as far as I’ll go.