Complaint: I Suck

“No, you can’t wear my Buddha necklace!”

This is what I ended up shouting in mild anger and annoyance to my four year old today. She had been poking, prodding, badgering and climbing on me about it for quite some time trying to get her point across. So that's what I said.

Believe me, the irony did not escape me.

I felt sheepish and very, very un-Zen.

It’s ironic, because I was zenning it up pretty well today. At least, for me. I mean, I was trying to have equanimity (which is really big in Buddhism) and if something annoyed me I tried to just observe what I was thinking and feeling and not react to it, and then just let it pass along on its merry way into the ether. For example, when someone beeped at me because I made a wrong turn, (which happens daily), I tried to not let it ruffle my feathers.

Embracing equanimity is so much harder than it sounds. The whole, just let it flow off your back, like water off a duck? I’m a pretty absorbent duck, if you know what I mean. And I know that some people are mellower than me. Hell, most people are mellower than me. But compared to how reactive and intense I used to be, even I’ve mellowed. Having children will do that for you. But having children will also test every bit of your ability to go with the flow.

And the thing about Buddhism is you practice it all the time. And since it’s not exactly a religion, but more of an active philosophy, you have opportunities to succeed or to fuck up every minute you’re awake. (My dreams are not calm and accepting of the universe, but I think those are exempt.)

The whole scene for Buddhism, from the many books I’ve read but the relatively little I really know about it, is the concept that shit happens, and you deal. It comes, it goes, no biggie.

When I try to access some inner calm, I really do feel better. I have a better day, I’m more patient with my kids and others, and I don’t get stuck in the groove of an irritable or pissed off thought. It’s when you get caught in the grooves that can drive you (and everyone around you) nuts.

So I think I’ll turn to one of the great modern Buddhist teachers who’s also a fantastic writer. Pema Chodron is amazing. She’s got a sense of humor and lots of understanding about how we human beings torture ourselves and each other with our personal shit. So I need to go back and read some of her stuff. Better yet, act on it. Or not. As the case may be. Sometimes you really do just have to sit and let the irritability pass.

And maybe I need to let my daughter borrow my necklace. I think Buddha would have wanted me to do that.