Comment: Growing Pains

So things have changed drastically in my house since last I wrote. My husband is no longer working, my children no longer have school, and I now have a job.

Suddenly life has gone all Bizarro world.

But the thing about the job is, it's part-time, AND in the future. So although I need to prepare for it, it hasn't actually happened yet.

The kids have stuff to do, my husband is finding all kinds of stuff to do, and I'm suddenly superfluous.

I should be happy that I don't have to cook every night. You know how I feel about cooking.

I should be happy that I'm not needed every minute of the day.

I just asked my kids if they wanted me to read to them and my son said, "Do we HAVE to?" In my ego's fragile state, that stings.

I know the whole goal of parenthood is to teach your children to be independent, but I think I'm having my own growing pains with this big transition. I'm alone yet never alone, have stuff to do but nothing pressing. I do feel all lost at the supermarket. And it's like one I've been to before, but this one has more aisles and harsher lighting.

What I guess I'm saying is, I don't know who I am anymore.

And the illusion of stability we had when my husband was working has vanished. I know that ultimately there is no ground beneath our feet, but I've been living under the delusion that there is.

And now the emperor truly is buck naked, staring at me, saying, what will you do next?

So I guess I need to relax and figure that out.