Complaint: More of a Rebuttal, Actually

I was just reading my friend and fellow blogger, The Solipsist's, entry for Monday, and lo and behold, he spoke of something about which I know far, far too much.

The stinkbug.

He laments the lot of the poor stinkbug for its somewhat, negative, name. It must have self-esteem issues, perhaps. Fortunately for him, he's never encountered one in the flesh, because if he HAD, he would know that being called a "stinkbug" is a euphemism. They should be so lucky that's ALL we call them here in the Mid-Atlantic region, where they've decided to land, live, and procreate at massive rates.

I wasn't even going to blog about the pesky beasts, but now, to set the record straight, I fear I must.

A stinkbug buzzes. A stinkbug dive bombs you in the middle of the night. (I have heard that some even bite, though that's apparently rare.) But more than anything else, a stinkbug stinks.

Imagine rotten cilantro mixed with dusty garbage.

Yup, that about covers it.

And lest you think I'm anti-insectist, let me say this: for weeks, I kept saying I didn't think they stunk (stank?) and that I didn't understand why they were CALLED stinkbugs in the first place.

But now I know.

Because last week, in the course of thirty minutes, my husband and I spent some quality time vacuuming up about 100 of the bastards off our curtains, ceilings and windows. The inside of the see-thru (of course) canister looked like a miniature horror movie set. All you need is some sketchy, shrill music and the screams of a blonde coed and it's all there. I screamed when I saw it. And I'm part blonde.

The kicker, though, was when I went to use my vacuum this week, (emptied prior, natch) my whole foyer smelled like stinkbugs. Fragrant.

An enterprising friend told me about some non-toxic spray I could use around the windows, which seemed to help. Also, we CLOSED our windows in spite of the record-breaking heat. (We have holes in our screens. We may as well have put out a sign that said "STINKBUG PARADISE RIGHT HERE, COME ON IN!")(This is what buying an old house will get you.)

So things are under control now, but for how long?

Everyone in the family yelps a little yelp when one buzzes past, and we're all super sensitive to smells. They'll be no salsa avec cilantro for us for the indefinite future, I can tell you that much.

Stinkbugs are REAL. And they REALLY STINK.

P.S. There are no bugs in California because they can't handle the pollution. Except for the cockroaches. The wily bastards, they'll outlive us all.