Complaint: Sucky Music

There’s a particular type of soul-eroding music that I keep finding on radio stations and it’s killing me. My kids like it, but I hate it. What is it?

No, it’s not Hannah Montana or even the Jonas Brothers.

It’s Adult Contemporary.

It’s the kind of music you hear muzakked (or more frequently nowadays, NOT) in dentists’ offices and elevators. It’s also the kind of music you hear in clothing stores aimed at the middle aged. At some point, someone decided that the least offensive, blandest music should be put on one CD and played endlessly in said stores.

I worked in one of those stores and I nearly lost my mind. There was a song by Paula Cole, I think, where she kept whining, “I don’t wanna wait, for my liiiiifffe to be ovahhhhh” and I found myself wishing for the demise of her or myself, just to not have to listen to it. Gah.

So we’re in a new city, and we’re trying to find radio stations. I’ve solved the NPR dilemma (this city’s only does about 15% talk, the rest is classical music, which is fine, but I don’t want to listen to it in the car or I’ll fall asleep) by using an app on my iPhone.

But current radio, yikes. I’m running into some situations here. I’ve managed to find two stations, both of which tease you with one sort of hip and current song, and then mangle your brain with five or six ACs in a row that are more powerful sedatives than valium.

There are a few types of AC artists, as far as I can tell: There’s the quirky-but-in-a-non-threatening-way female folk singer, all sophisticated lyrics and breathy notes. There are the pseudo alt rockers who sound just like the regular rockers, except with delicate facial hair. There’s the sincere, deep-voiced, male-vocal-led band that is indistinguishable from the other sincere, deep-voiced, male-vocal-led bands. Nickelback, Daughtry, if it’s one word and there’s a soulful sounding guy leading it, I don’t want to freaking hear it ever again.

So I think I’m going to have to explore my last option: try to find a college radio station. Those can be annoying, what with stoned and/or illiterate DJs babbling, but at least the music is fresh, and not adult fucking contemporary.

I don’t want to identify with that music, I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t like it.

Any questions?