Question: What, No Vitriol?

So I took the four-part Praxis teacher preparation exam this morning. (This is my third state teacher preparation exam.)

And I have to say, it was...not bad.

It wasn't insultingly easy, and it definitely wasn't too hard.

It actually asked us to correct grammar, clarify points, and think through mathematics problems that really do come up in everyday life.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I have no rant today.

Wow, how about that?

Complaint: A Series, Actually.

So tomorrow I go and take one (of three) Praxis tests, the teacher tests deemed appropriate for my current state of residence.

But wait, there's more! I'm getting a threefer: yes, that's right, THREE tests in one sitting.

How numb my ass will be by the end.

I won't be allowed to leave the room without permission, so if I need to take a whiz, I need to show ID upon leaving and returning. (It's true, I watched the video on ETS!) I'm sure there will be other ridiculous anti-cheating hoops to jump through. For one thing, I have to be at the test site at 7:30 am, even though it doesn't start until 8:00. Do they need that time to frisk me? (Probably.)

It's a necessary evil, this testing nonsense.

I can teach (in public schools) in two states, but not the one I'm in.

Money, time, college-level math classes (gah!) are all in store.

That and verifying that my earlier undergraduate education in Canada was appropriately academic. Just need to prove we weren't all just getting drunk in our igloos while we watched hockey and said "eh."

Um, actually...

So stay tuned tomorrow for more vitriol surrounding the draconian and prehistoric testing requirements in the land in which we live!

Comment: Not So Zen Momma

Okay, I'm really needing an infusion of loving-kindness toward all beings right about now.

Actually, I'm okay NOW, but I really needed one a few hours ago.

Better yet, I needed DETACHMENT. Which I did not have, at all, during a minor incident today.

I have a neighbor, whom as a person I generally like, but as a parent am not so impressed by. And her daughter and my daughter get along 90% of the time. 10% of the time, her daughter is a tad, say, manipulative, and upsets my daughter.

I see this as a problem.

I don't actively dislike the mom, and I don't actively dislike the kid.

But I feel like the mom's a disciplinary pushover, and her daughter can be mean sometimes.

And today, I over-reacted, and had to back pedal a bit. But here's the thing: I had to stand by my principle: if people aren't being nice to you, LEAVE. Walk away, say buzz off, take a break. So I had to (temporarily) remove my daughter from the the offending child for a few minutes.

Damn, parenting is fucking hard. It's so much easier teaching other people's children, because the intensity of being a parent clouds one's ability to be zen in the face of adversity. At work, I can be impartial. At home? Not so much. Not at ALL.

So I have some more reflecting to do. Because I don't like what I see next door. And I didn't like what I saw in myself today. Somehow, I have to learn to tone down my knee-jerk reactions and stay calmer in the face of conflict.

Because five minutes after the little incident we had today between the girls, they were FINE. It was the mom and I who were shivering wrecks.

We are so emotionally invested in our children's actions and reactions.

We need to learn to chill out.

Comment: Zen Momma is in the House

No, not me. Although I consider myself as aspiring Buddhist, (albeit a lazy one who likes wine), I am no match for Karen Maezen Miller.

She is sort of the ultimate modern Buddhist. She has a family, a career, keeps her hair short and her sentences dense and rich in her new book, "Hand Wash Cold." (and is it just me, or is that sentence book jacket cheesy or what?)

Anyway, I'm barely into it and I can tell it's going to be another one like her first, "Zen Momma", one I will go back to over and over for inspiration.

Her writing is more swirly and fancy shmancy (that's the industry term) and lyrical.

But I like it. And I like what she says.

This book is really a memoir, but the most interesting parts to me are when she zooms out and gets to the big picture. She has a great image of us as a species who walk around with six foot flames over our heads, and we don't get how we can extinguish this burning nuisance. (Short answer: meditation, self-awareness, cutting through the bullshit).

I'll have more to say, without a doubt, as I read it.

So I'm off now to read more, since I can always use some perspective. I still have a flame over my head. But it's not blazing at the moment.

Complaint: Oh, this is gonna be GOOD.

Okay, so I'm working hard subbing for kids aged three to 14, and I'm enjoying it.

But I'm subbing.

And subbing is, by its very nature, exhausting and ephemeral.

Sure, the kids know me now, since I've been at the same school since last September, but I'm not the classroom teacher. And classroom teachers have what I don't have: routines.

By virtue of my ever-changing role, I don't get to have routines. Plus, I don't get to decide what to teach. It's (hopefully) decided for me.

Every time I walk into a class, I have to immediately don the mantle of the expert, whether I know anything or not. Good thing I have a background in theatre, that's all I can say.

Today I had to do points, rays and line segments. This, I could handle.

But tomorrow? Word problems.

I don't DO word problems.

I don't LIKE word problems.

I used to regurarly hurl my GRE test prep manual at the wall when I had to do word problems in anticipation of the dreaded analytical section. (Don't get me started on the analytical section. I. had. a. bad. experience.)

So I'm going to need some tutoring tonight in order to do my job tomorrow.

This is actually a good thing, though, because in addition to learning be fun, and all that crap, I NEED to learn this stuff.

Why? Because I have to take more tests in order to prove that I'm a teacher. Apparently my credentials from two other states in this country are not sufficient for my current state of residence.

So I am going to have to take math tests. And math classes. And, according to the letter I just got today from the state department of education, subject matter tests in my areas of expertise, since, again, two states' worth of credentials and testing don't mean squat here.

I'm feeling rather bilious at the moment. I wonder if THAT word will be on my test.

Why am I doing this?

To keep my options open.

I want to get my credential so I can have the option of searching fruitlessly for a teaching job in a state with a teacher shortage and draconian as well as prehistoric job regulations.

Why can't I teach, dammit?

Oh wait. I am teaching. It's just something different every day.

I shouldn't complain. (But oh, how I love to, sometimes.)

I'm with kids, I'm teaching, but I have no control.

And that's what's irritating me.

Because, after all, aren't we all searching for at minimum the illusion of control? I know we don't have it, but humor me, would you please?

All I want is a little control. And she wouldn't give to me. Just a little control, and she wouldn't give it to me.

The life of a sub is always intense.

Comment: Gone Fishin'.

I'll be back next week.

Complaint: It's Finally Started.

Yes, the day has come at long last at my house, the land of no network TV: the kids are singing jingles.

They're singing jingles. Like from TV.

Probably most kids the same age have seen hundreds, nay, thousands of commercials by this time, but not us.

Do I think we're better than people who watch TV?

No.

Do I think we're better OFF?

Yes.

Commercials just make you want stuff. I should know, I grew up on them. And still, to this day, I am seduced by the latest flawless-face-making-beauty product from Maybelline, or L'Oreal. I am. I'm a sucker for the false promises, bullshit claims and fantasy outcomes that advertising dangles in front of me. Some days, I really do want to look fabulous and feel fresh, and if that deodorant will do it, I'm buying. I told you, I'm a sucker.

So maybe that's why I'm a little bit horrified that my kids were singing some shampoo commercial set to the tune of "These are a Few of My Favorite Things". (Blasphemy! Julie Andrews cries every time they play that ad.)

I don't mind them singing. I quite like it, most of the time. But singing a stupid jingle...is exactly what my sister and I used to do. I remember basking in the foam of the ocean, pretending we were in a Fa foam bath, complete with aria-like soundtrack back in the 70s.

So what's my problem?

The kids are seeing ads on Hulu because I LET them watch Hulu. And they're seeing a lot less ads than they would if we had regular cable TV.

But I do hate being manipulated. And I hate for my kids to be manipulated.

But really, couldn't the suits at Madison Avenue come up with something better than that damn shampoo jingle? I mean, please.