Question: Do you know what your nails say about you?

And did you ever wonder what other people's nail predelictions say about them, if I may be so bold as to offer broad generalizations?

Did you ever wonder if you can type people, women, in general, according to their toenail situation? If you look at a woman’s toenails, what do you see? I posit that you see more than simply the tools/appendages she uses to get around on. You see a window into her personality. After all, it’s like our clothing. The way we dress is a deliberate statement we make about ourselves every day (unless, of course, someone else dresses you, which means that you are too young or too old to choose, or have the inabiliy to choose. Which is unfortunate, because then what you are wearing isn’t you, it’s a projection of the you the dresser is aiming at the world. They see what they perceive to be you, and they dress you that way, or they dress you the way they WANT you to be perceived. It’s pretty complicated, actually.)

Anywho…the toenails. And, I suppose, we could extend this to fingernails as well. The woman who has bright fuchsia toes with a flower embellishment on each big toe is a different animal altogether to the one who cuts, files, and forgets about her feet after that.

Do you do anything to your nails? How far do you go with the cutting, buffing, filing, and possibly polishing? Does a foot file enter the picture? Do you ever paint your toenails or fingernails? If so, what color? Do you have someone else paint them? If so, what color? And do you have extra decorations added on top? Or do you do fake nails, and if so, are THEY embellished in some way with flowers or stripes or the Union Jack or whatever? How much of a statement are your nails making?

They are saying something. They tell me if you have enough band width to think of them. Do you have enough time to paint them yourself? Or do you have the time and the money to pay someone else to do it for you? This is where the wondering gets personal. I used to be a diy-er. I painted my nails myself, when I felt like it. Usually it was fingers and toes, silver, or a steel gray, almost black. My sensibilities run pretty Goth, in general, although I do tend to have a sunnier disposition. But let’s look a little more in depth at the types of nail people there are. See if you can recognize yourself or others you know in any of these categories.

Au Natural
Au Natural people are the ones who essentially say, “Who cares, so why would I waste my time on that?” There are many women who barely notice their finger and toenails. Basic maintenance is all that’s required. Time is not spent on exfoliating, decorating, or moisturizing. Just the basics. This kind of person is practical and no-nonsense. My sister is an A.N. nail person. She’ll cut, she’ll file, and heaven knows she needs to clean them because she makes her living digging out volcanoes with her students, but still, that’s it. Nary a color of any kind has ever graced her fingers nor toes. Not even clear nail hardener. Nothing. She doesn’t take any crap from anyone. And she runs 10 miles a day .

Do it Yourselfers
DIYers are usually teenage or college-aged girls who have the time and not the money to do this, and can justify changing colors and patterns every day if they want to, since they have all the time in the world. Except for these days what with all the text messaging. How do the teens of today manage? You could do your nails and talk on the phone for hours, but now what? GOT 2GO. NLS WET. CATCH U L8er. People who do their own nails either have a lot of time on their hands, or not much money, or both. They are also likely to have a sense of fun and adventure. They can change their nail color as often as they like! They believe in the can-do spirit of the American Dream. DIYers are usually very patriotic and believe in pulling up their bootstraps and painting their toes red white and blue for the fourth of July.


Salon Nail People
These are, as we’ve already said, people with enough time and money to pay someone else to do it. But you don’t have to be rich to have your nails done. At least not in California! The ones who pay to have it done aren’t necessarily filthy rich. I knew plenty of low-income students who were S.N.P.s and spent all they had on nails because it meant that much to them. But the ones who go to the salons where you sit and get your legs gooped up and massaged and you read magazines while quiet women (some masked, most in white) trying to get larger commissions by trying to sell you more services (hey, if I’d know it was five bucks extra for the calf massage, I would have just run my leg along a laundry basket while I was folding the umpteenth load of clean clothes. Please.) Salon real nail people enjoy a little pampering on occasion, but don’t have the time or inclination or money for the excessive upkeep fake nails require. Salon real nail people are a broad lot, but one thing you know about them-they have some sense of whimsy. They care enough to do something that’s entirely unnecessary and in many climates almost entirely unnoticeable. I think people who bother going to salons are looking for comfort, mostly. The women in white who sit at your feet might make you uncomfortable at first, but you will feel a little bit cared for after the experience is over, and that counts for something.

Salon Fake Nail People
More time and money is required to get fake toes or fingers painted, polished, buffed and puffed. You need an assistant, a babysitter, or a really flexible job in order to get these kept up appropriately every few weeks. This person cares quite a bit about their appearance and is willing to go to great lengths (ha ha) to get it. So time and money and a priority on external appearances is clearly part of the salon fake nail person’s diorama of personality. As for the home fake nail people, they are an adventurers, a patient and hardy lot, or they just don’t have the means to have someone else do the industrial filing and gluing and filling for them. They’re taking on an enormous amount of work and toxic chemicals. I’m just not coordinated enough or I would have tried it at least once. As it is, I attempted press-on nails. They suck. They fall off almost immediately and the idea of accidentally ingesting one of them while eating a salad just wasn’t appealing.

The other main thing you know about women with fake fingernails is this: clearly they don’t do much gardening, diaper changing, or needlepoint.


Do you see yourself or someone you know? Perhaps you've just learned sometihng.

But probably not.

Still, next time you're on the bus or at the mall or picking up your dry cleaning, look at the hands, and look down at the feet. You might find a friend. Or at least a kindred spirit.

(For the record, I’ve had four pedicures in my life, all of them within that last 18 months , with three in California and one in Minnesota at the Mall of America. But I’m not excited anymore about going out and paying someone to paint my feet or hands. What with today’s economy, my two small children to care for and three schools to keep track of, my nails just aren’t a priority. I look enviously at the women with perfect toes and fingernails. That used to be me, once in awhile. But at the end of the day, I’m too damned tired to sit up and exfoliate and buff and polish. Maybe when the kids are in college. I'll definitely be a DIYer then.)