Do you ever have an experience which, even while you're in it, you swear it will change you deeply? Where you're sure it's going to alter your perception of certain things for the rest of your life? At least, that's what you hope, and think, at the time?
That's where I am now.
When you have a minor medical scare, your life flashes before you. You're reminded that you're mortal, and that as a middle-aged person, your life is, arguably, half over. (or half begun, for you optimists out there) These things happen all the time; scares, concerns, unknowns.
What I tried to do differently this time is not panic at a 300% level, which is what I usually do. I tried to just kind of take things day by day and not flip out. I've spent so much of my life at maximum drama, and frankly, it's exhausting to me and everyone else. So I kept it (relatively) under control. I avoided thinking about writing my own obituary or fearing for my children's future. I rationally thought about odds and statistics and precedents. And then, for now, I was taken off the hook. Sweet relief.
And I was struck by how much fear we all carry around in our lives. Fear and anxiety are our M.O.s, and that has to stop somehow. I already talked last post about how we wait for everything; implicit in that waiting is anxiety and fear. If we weren't stuck waiting, we'd be anticipating, because we'd be looking forward to something positive. We wait for things, often in agony, because we fear the worst possible outcome, which, natch, rarely happens.
Humans sure do fuck with their own heads.
I for one would like to try to live with less fear and anxiety. A tall order, granted.
But one worth striving for.
Because if we're already in mid-life, isn't it time we started trying to enjoy what we have, as opposed to what we don't? Isn't it time to kick fear OUT of our lives for good?
I'm just sayin'.
And the Oscar Goes to. . . .Yawn
2 years ago
Yes - right on. Love your goals. I've been working on those, too - and have recently added "befriending anger" to my list. See, I've discovered that trying to be not angry, ignoring or outright repressing that I am angry, has increased my fear and anxiety. I felt that anger would kill me - and, recently, have discovered that when I admit to myself at least that I am angry, and know that I will come out of and survive anger, I have more energy and less anxiety. And my fear of anger has actually been causing me more fear.
ReplyDeleteNice goals. I second that! And I think you've got it spot on: the goal being *less* fear and anxiety. Very nice.
I have had those moments when you know things will never be the same. Oddly, they are usually more about people revealing their true selves. The realization that this person will be so important in your life. The mental avenues tht suddenly shoot out in all directions, your world becoming a little bigger. Or such a huge disappointment, that the essence of a person's thinking is so severely predjudiced that you know a relationship has instantaniously ended....
ReplyDeleteYour post includes great tips and you managed to keep it simple and understandable.
ReplyDeleteWaiting for your new post..